You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
