hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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