Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
