I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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