I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize