Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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