I wish my penis had an off switch
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
