When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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