you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
