you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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