Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
