i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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