Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
