Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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