Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Randomize
