You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
