Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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