I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
