my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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