I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
there is glitter all over my balls
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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