Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Even my vagina gasped.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
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