Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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