i just wanna soil my oats bro
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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