im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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