my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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