literally had 100 drinks last night.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
