You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I did not marry a roomba.
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