so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
