So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
