Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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