I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
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