I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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