i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize