I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
