Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
