Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
