I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
