i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
