It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
