Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Randomize