Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
