I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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