Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
