I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
