There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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