She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
