you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
