I puked a lego.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
