we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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