my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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