you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
