I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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