oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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