i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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