hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
