With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
