After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize